作业帮请高手批改一篇托福作文,
来源：学生作业帮 编辑：拍题作业网作业帮 分类：综合作业 时间：2024/04/28 20:03:59
请高手批改一篇托福作文,
Title:People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example,new experiences,career preparation,increased knowledge).Why do you think people attend college or university?Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
With fast development of economy and the changes in concept,more and more students attend college or university after graduating from high school.The reason why they decided to go to college or university is to make themselves more competitive when they find jobs.It goes without saying that an applicant,who holds a famous university diploma,will have more opportunities to be appreciated by employers.
When students attend college,they will be more likely to specialize.For instance,students who are interested in Chemistry in high school,cannot make further research in it,for the knowledge is limited and with much homework to be done.But when they begin the college career,they will find they have more time than before,the laboratories they use are so excellent.The doors of opportunity open to them,they can learn anything that they cannot before.Their desire for knowledge will be stimulated.It is hard for us to imagine how much accomplishment they can make.It is not rare that a student made an outstanding contribution to the society during the university career.
Additionally,go to college or university is also a significant opportunity for teenagers to improve self-care ability.Most schools require first year students boarding in the dormitory.Left the arms of parents,which opens a new page of life,the teenagers with lofty ideals and high aspirations,start a new life.In order to meet the first challenge in life,they try to expand the social relationship.It is generally accepted that friends play an important role in one’s life.For example,Bill Gates together with his friend,Steve Ballmer,created Microsoft Empire.The unique experiences would help students take a first step on the road towards a career in the further plans.
In conclusion,‘Knowledge is power,’ if we attend college or university,we will learn more,and more opportunities will boost to us.
Title:People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example,new experiences,career preparation,increased knowledge).Why do you think people attend college or university?Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
With fast development of economy and the changes in concept,more and more students attend college or university after graduating from high school.The reason why they decided to go to college or university is to make themselves more competitive when they find jobs.It goes without saying that an applicant,who holds a famous university diploma,will have more opportunities to be appreciated by employers.
When students attend college,they will be more likely to specialize.For instance,students who are interested in Chemistry in high school,cannot make further research in it,for the knowledge is limited and with much homework to be done.But when they begin the college career,they will find they have more time than before,the laboratories they use are so excellent.The doors of opportunity open to them,they can learn anything that they cannot before.Their desire for knowledge will be stimulated.It is hard for us to imagine how much accomplishment they can make.It is not rare that a student made an outstanding contribution to the society during the university career.
Additionally,go to college or university is also a significant opportunity for teenagers to improve self-care ability.Most schools require first year students boarding in the dormitory.Left the arms of parents,which opens a new page of life,the teenagers with lofty ideals and high aspirations,start a new life.In order to meet the first challenge in life,they try to expand the social relationship.It is generally accepted that friends play an important role in one’s life.For example,Bill Gates together with his friend,Steve Ballmer,created Microsoft Empire.The unique experiences would help students take a first step on the road towards a career in the further plans.
In conclusion,‘Knowledge is power,’ if we attend college or university,we will learn more,and more opportunities will boost to us.
总体上,行文和文笔、措辞都不错.
但一些细节还需润色.篇幅太长,没有时间修正你的细节.
前三段除少量细节,没有大问题.
第四段开头两句很糟糕,修改如下（自己对比原文）：
Additionally,going to university is also a significant opportunity for teenagers to improve their ability to live independently.Most universities require freshmen to live in a dormitory.Leaving their parents turns a new page for the teenagers with lofty ideals and high aspirations.
"turns a new page" 与" starts a new life" 是相同的,没有必要一个意思用两句话表达,不够简练,啰嗦,重复.
最后一句修改：
In conclusion,‘Knowledge is power,’ If we attend university,we will learn more,and more opportunities will boost us.
用“attend university" 就够了,没有必要啰嗦：attend college or university
从行文看,你有点啰嗦,对吗?
再问： 谢谢你，你把我第四段开头改得很好。因为题目中是attend college or university，所以我也这样用了，毕竟 college和university有不同的地方，我觉得这样严谨点。呵呵，这只不过是我第二次练习写作，嗯，有很多不足的地方，谢谢你的指点。 PS你有考过托福吗，如果这篇打分能有多少呢？
再答： 个人以为，按托福的评分机制，此文在4分左右，主要缺点是，极少量的措辞(wording)和语法错误（grammatical errors); 还有不够简练（not concise enough)，有点重复啰嗦 (a little bit repetitive)。用词有点平淡，没有多少抓眼的高级词汇，句式变换不够，多为平铺直叙，缺乏起伏跌宕，必要时用几个倒装句、强调句、感叹句等。 当然，这是对你更高的要求，是你努力的方向，不是要求你现在就达到这个水准。 但作为初次练习者来说，你的基础还是很好的，文章整体读起来蛮舒服的，应当表扬你。 每次写完后，应当回头自读1-2遍，把不顺口的地方润色一下。有条件让身边的水平略高的同学、学长或老师看看，请他们指导，当然别忘了要感谢人家的帮助。 如果是我，我会把你的第一段再润色一下： 原文：With fast development of economy and the changes in concept, more and more students attend college or university after graduating from high school. The reason why they decided to go to college or university is to make themselves more competitive when they find jobs. It goes without saying that an applicant, who holds a famous university diploma, will have more opportunities to be appreciated by employers. 修改后：With fast development of economy and changes in concept, more and more students attend college or university after graduating from high school. The reason they choose to go to college or university is that they hope to be more competitive when they are hunting for jobs. It goes without saying that an applicant with a prestigious university diploma, will have more opportunities to be appreciated by employers. 这样是不是更简练、更通顺些？ 有的地方有些逻辑问题：The reason why they decided to go to college or university is to make themselves more competitive when they find jobs. The reason...themselves (the reasons or the students?) ，这在魔术界叫“调包计”。写作上叫“偷换概念”。 再者，...more competitive when they find jobs. 找到了工作，有没有competitive，意义已不是很大了，那是进入职场后的比拼了。你要说的肯定是:在求职过程中要获取优势，争抢机会被录用，对吧？
再问： 谢谢，非常感谢，有些地方的确微调下，感觉就不一样。谢谢了，你很耐心：）
但一些细节还需润色.篇幅太长,没有时间修正你的细节.
前三段除少量细节,没有大问题.
第四段开头两句很糟糕,修改如下（自己对比原文）：
Additionally,going to university is also a significant opportunity for teenagers to improve their ability to live independently.Most universities require freshmen to live in a dormitory.Leaving their parents turns a new page for the teenagers with lofty ideals and high aspirations.
"turns a new page" 与" starts a new life" 是相同的,没有必要一个意思用两句话表达,不够简练,啰嗦,重复.
最后一句修改：
In conclusion,‘Knowledge is power,’ If we attend university,we will learn more,and more opportunities will boost us.
用“attend university" 就够了,没有必要啰嗦：attend college or university
从行文看,你有点啰嗦,对吗?
再问： 谢谢你，你把我第四段开头改得很好。因为题目中是attend college or university，所以我也这样用了，毕竟 college和university有不同的地方，我觉得这样严谨点。呵呵，这只不过是我第二次练习写作，嗯，有很多不足的地方，谢谢你的指点。 PS你有考过托福吗，如果这篇打分能有多少呢？
再答： 个人以为，按托福的评分机制，此文在4分左右，主要缺点是，极少量的措辞(wording)和语法错误（grammatical errors); 还有不够简练（not concise enough)，有点重复啰嗦 (a little bit repetitive)。用词有点平淡，没有多少抓眼的高级词汇，句式变换不够，多为平铺直叙，缺乏起伏跌宕，必要时用几个倒装句、强调句、感叹句等。 当然，这是对你更高的要求，是你努力的方向，不是要求你现在就达到这个水准。 但作为初次练习者来说，你的基础还是很好的，文章整体读起来蛮舒服的，应当表扬你。 每次写完后，应当回头自读1-2遍，把不顺口的地方润色一下。有条件让身边的水平略高的同学、学长或老师看看，请他们指导，当然别忘了要感谢人家的帮助。 如果是我，我会把你的第一段再润色一下： 原文：With fast development of economy and the changes in concept, more and more students attend college or university after graduating from high school. The reason why they decided to go to college or university is to make themselves more competitive when they find jobs. It goes without saying that an applicant, who holds a famous university diploma, will have more opportunities to be appreciated by employers. 修改后：With fast development of economy and changes in concept, more and more students attend college or university after graduating from high school. The reason they choose to go to college or university is that they hope to be more competitive when they are hunting for jobs. It goes without saying that an applicant with a prestigious university diploma, will have more opportunities to be appreciated by employers. 这样是不是更简练、更通顺些？ 有的地方有些逻辑问题：The reason why they decided to go to college or university is to make themselves more competitive when they find jobs. The reason...themselves (the reasons or the students?) ，这在魔术界叫“调包计”。写作上叫“偷换概念”。 再者，...more competitive when they find jobs. 找到了工作，有没有competitive，意义已不是很大了，那是进入职场后的比拼了。你要说的肯定是:在求职过程中要获取优势，争抢机会被录用，对吧？
再问： 谢谢，非常感谢，有些地方的确微调下，感觉就不一样。谢谢了，你很耐心：）