★【求】★【托福作文】批改★ 请高手帮我看看习作,本人语法不佳,望逐条纠正

★【求】★【托福作文】批改★ 请高手帮我看看习作,本人语法不佳,望逐条纠正
请高手帮我看看习作,本人语法不佳,望逐条纠正,
Do you agree or disagree the following statement?It is more important for a government to spend money on young children’s education than on university education.
I mainly agree the statement that spending money on university education is more important than on young education.Though ,young children's education plays a important role in people's life ,needing society spare no effort to support,;university education is the key for country to promote rapid development .
First and foremost,university education needs more support and encouragement than young education.According to a recent poll,people in an increasing number want to go to college while just a small amount can achieve their University dreams .The deep cause of this fact is that revant education policies are not conform to actual demands for people and developing society ,which means government always spend a lot of money on basic installation to promote young children's education.Then,in comparison,university has not enough money to support itself and thus has to charge high college tuition fee so that people who want to attend college can not be offered better terms.So only if the government spends more money on university,the broad masses of people can really enjoy the rights to college education.
Further ,it is true that people who receive college education can usually find a decent job .This is because nowadays a college degree is accepted by employers as a proof of competence in a given field.In fact ,with the development of society and industry,a huge number of specialized persons such as accountant ,engineer and architect ,are needed urgently by every walk of life.Then,acquiring college diplomas almost is only way for applicants to obtain more choices,higher salaries and more opportunities foe advancement in an increasing competitive job market.Compare to a college diploma,elementary school diploma seems not to have the same important influence on people's career.
In addition to what I metion above,perfect college education system also represents solid national strength.Look around the world,we can easily discover that developed countries usually attach importance to education ,especially college education,because college is significant store which trains qualified people for social development in the future.

我的观点,仅供参考：
Do you agree or disagree （加with,agree with是固定搭配,disagree一样的）the following statement?It is more important for a government to spend money on young children’s education than（加that,代替money） on university education.
I mainly agree（加agree）the statement that spending money on university education is more important than（加that）on young education.Though（用作副词时,一般在句尾,连词在句首,不加逗号,联系后面的语句,这个句子是单句,建议不用） ,young children's education plays a （an,后面词汇是元音因素开始）important role in people's life ,needing society spare no effort to support（这个作状语的分析短语感觉别扭,尤其是后面的spare no effort to 本身是动词短语,与前面结构不相符,如果i理解成一个句子,就更不对了,两个简单句不能随意放在一起,尤其是逗号隔开.改成to spare ...语法上是同了,总给人感觉有点中式了.建议改成“with the requirement of the concern and efforts of the whole society”,并且放在这个句子前面）university education is the key （建议改成“a key way或measure”）for country to promote rapid development .
First and foremost,university education needs more support and encouragement than young education（加does）.According to a recent poll,people in an increasing number（改成an increasing number of people）want to go to college while just a small amount can achieve their University （不用大写）dreams .The deep cause of this fact is that revant（不知道这个词什么意思,是不是要表达“有关的”,建议用relative） education policies are not conform(conform多用作动词,建议换一个词汇) to actual demands for people and developing society ,which means government always spend（government是means宾语从句的主语,第三人称单数,spends） a lot of money on basic installation to promote young children's education.Then,in comparison,university has not enough money to support itself（建议改成there be句型） and thus has to charge high college tuition fee（建议用复数形式） so that people who want to attend college can not be offered better terms.So only if the government spends more money on university,the broad masses of people（与前面的mass语义重复） can really enjoy the rights to college education.
Further ,it is true that people who receive college education can usually find a decent job .This is because nowadays a college degree is accepted by employers as a proof of competence in a given field.In fact ,with the development of society and industry,（重复标点）a huge number of specialized persons such as accountant ,engineer and architect,are needed urgently by every walk of life.Then,acquiring college diplomas almost is only （建议改为is almost the only）way for applicants to obtain more choices,higher salaries and more opportunities foe(for) advancement in an increasing competitive job market.Compare to a college diploma,elementary school diploma seems not to have the same important influence on people's career.
In addition to what I metion(mentioned,what I mentioned above较习惯使用) above,perfect college education system also represents solid national strength.Look around the world,（ look…语法上可以,有点口语化,用分词短语好些,考虑本文是阐述一种观点,建议用Skimming over the world）we can easily discover that developed countries usually attach importance to education ,especially college education,because college is significant store which trains qualified people for social development in the future.
（时间仓促,只看到这些,祝好!）