雅思作文评分与修改,Topic:In some countries young people are encourage

雅思作文评分与修改,
Topic:In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.(求指出与高分的差距)
In such a fast-changing world,youngsters have to face various social pressures which push them to grasp opportunities for broader experiences.Many students choose to work or travel after their graduations from high school in order to make themselves more adjustable to college life.
To step into society in advance puts students in a preponderant position mainly because of the valuable experiences.The critical reason for learning is applying theories to practices which can be fulfilled through the participation in travelling and working.In this case,the experiences expand the students’ outlook and foster their relationship with the real world in terms of coping with the complex tasks in their future.
Moreover,differ from those who going to the university directly,juggling jobs and travelling provides chances for students to interact with people who have verify background.It is necessary for students to learn how to cooperate and how to communicate efficiently,which might less likely be taught in their compulsory lessons.Also,essentially,confidence can be built in these processes and being positive in students' entirely life time.
However,there are also drawbacks in doing such things at their age.Since they are still immature in some certain circumstances,the social surroundings could have negative effect on them,specifically,cheated by criminals.For instance,young adults are probably easy to believe others and the lack of guard usually makes them being used to commit crimes without knowing the facts.
My own view is students should be encouraged to engage in jobs and travel after high school under certain guidance.It is highly recommended that young people adapt to the society and be equipped with practical skills through taking a year off.

楼主有些英语功底.文章句子各式各样,复杂句子用的很多,也有一些大词汇.如果是在雅思规定的时间里没有任何工具的借助下写完那么确实不错.但是问题还是有的,1.复杂句是好的.但是过多的复杂句影响了读者的理解.To step into society in advance puts students in a preponderant position mainly because of the valuable experiences.和Moreover,differ from those who going to the university directly,juggling jobs and travelling provides chances for students to interact with people who have verify background.你的英语基础不错,我没有让你把它们改成简单句,但是你可不可以换一种方法阐述呢?我给你一篇文章,这是英国人写的.你看看你的,再比较一下.当然我没有让你都改掉.副词,从句用的不错,但是现在你的阶段不是单纯的练习,而是要看一些real English的文章,和他们比较一下.2.文章的整体结构不是很好.我不知道你是不是有模板什么之类的.但是外国人更喜欢,以每段一个topic sentence的方式来看你的作文.尤其是雅思阅卷.时间不足的情况下,topic sentence的清晰,明确是很重要的.你可以检查一下你自己的topic sentence是否可以表明你整个段落的意思?我看你的开头段是不是就可以明白你整个段落要描述的是什么?3.开头与结尾.你把自己的观点的陈述放在最后,这样也可以.但是我希望你可以在开头不要直接阐述你的观点,但是可以让读者看出你似乎是站在哪一方面的.假如我如果不看你的body 段落,我可以只通过introduction 和conclusion 知道你要说什么吗?4.在选词上,大词汇当然不错,但是选词上还要斟酌一下.例如,preponderant这个词,以及那一整句,我不认为它用的很好和很恰当.当然如果你和你雅思老师觉得很好,那么我就不说什么了.我只是觉得你的文章有那么一点Chinese English的味道.当然是在肯定你英语功底的前提下.5.语法有些地方有点问题,不是你用错了,是外国人不会这么用,当然还是有些语法小错,自己看看吧6..多看看词组,尽量用一些词组好吗?如果你看外语小说或者美剧,你会发现外国人比起大词汇更愿意使用词组而不是大词汇.7.注意连接词的使用.最后,我考雅思的时候,题目比较简单,所以拿7.8分似乎不是很难.但无论多少分,雅思作文的要求最基本的条理明确,论述清晰.这其中就有连接词的使用,以及topic sentence的使用和你的观点是不是合理.其次是语法和句子结构.这里面就包括词汇的使用.这是我的邮箱H10junwu@du.se 和我联系发给你我同学们的文章给你看看.我当年考雅思也是很辛苦.所以理解你的心情,祝你好运啦!
对了,至于评分,都是放屁,除了考官,没有人可以告诉你的评分.因为每个喜欢的写作格式不一样,但是我给的话6或者6.5吧~但是只是对于我.因为我在国外呆了很久,我喜欢条例清晰没有废话的论文.但是如果是上面那位,肯定给你满分了.所以不要问可以给你多少分.我们不是考官.我要是就给你满分,这样你就少煎熬了~没用不是吗?