六级作文修改,求英语高手们修改!最好能给出分数,以满分15分计

六级作文修改,求英语高手们修改!最好能给出分数,以满分15分计
题目是关于洋快餐的.1,洋快餐颇受中国消费者的青睐.2,产生这个现象的原因.3,我的看法
The recent
several years have witnessed a phenomenon that many people perfer to
eat western fast food , especially young man, you can find they eat
fast food regularly in Mcdonald's or KFC.
Maybe we can find
some factors to explain this fasionable phenomenon. With the
increasing pace of modern life, perhaps the western fast food is the
best chance for office worker. It is convenience for them to pack up
and it can save thier precious time. Then, no doult, the service in
these fast-food restaurant they offer are quite good, the environment
is more beautiful and the condition is more clean. all of it above
mentioned may make people feel happy and people like to stay there.
However, as far as I am concered, people eat too much fast food may
have many health problems. Also, our young man may neglect the
traditional chinese food, dont't know the traditional diet culture, and
blindly pursue the western fast food. Acorrdingly, although the fast
food is "fast", we need pay more attention to our chinese food.
我是三段式的.第三段是从However开始的

The recent several years have witnessed a phenomenon that many people prefer to
eating in western fast food restuarants, especially youngsters, to normal eastern cuisine restuarants.
There are factors that can account for this phenomenon. With the
increasing pace of modern life, perhaps the western fast food is the
best option for office worker. It is convenient for them to order and consume, saving their precious time. Undoubtedly, the service in these fast-food restaurants are quite friendly, the environment is conducive and the sanitary conditions are good. More importantly, their food appeal to the taste buds of youngsters due to the addictives added. All of the above
mentioned cause teenagers to be more inclined to dine there.
However, overeating fast food will lead to many health problems. In the long run, this will cause illnesses such as diabetes and obesity. Also, the younger generation may neglect the traditional chinese food, and eventually forget their own cultural food. This will cause them to slowly lose their chinese roots. China is losing her rich heritage, and the appealing fast food is partly to blame. Fast food may be convenient, but it is still unhealthy. We should refrain from eating too much of them.