小弟写的一篇托福作文,感激不尽

小弟写的一篇托福作文,感激不尽
5 A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community.Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community.Do you support or oppose the factory?Explain your position.
As the information that a company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near my community has been widely spread,different people show different opinions.Although the government is looking forward to cooperating with the company to build this factory,the voice from the opponents is loud.They dislike the construction of the factory for they are afraid that the environmental contamination and the noise produced by the factory will affect their life.In my point of view,despite these possible negative effects that would be brought by the new factory,there are more underlying but substantial advantages.
With the completion of the factory,the economy of the community will be elevated to a new stage.What is important,the prosperity of the community will bring us a better living condition.Many markets will be set near the factory and will give us more convenience certainly.Since the factory may provide several kinds of products,it will become more available and cheaper for us to purchase some articles that would be sold by the company.There is no doubt that the new factory will change our life.
In addition,the factory will solve the problem of unemployment in the community to a large extent.It will provide numerous jobs for the local people,no matter who have not find a proper job or who is reluctant to work far away from their home.Also,the substantial income from working in the factory brings some hope for the guys who have nothing to do and wanders in the community every day.Though this channel,it will bring our community more public security.
On the other hand,contaminative as the factory will be,the government can make effective rules to limit the pollutant produced by the factory.After all,it is unrealistic to guarantee an absolutely non-pollution environment in the industry society.What we can do is to constrain the deterioration of the environment to the minimum extent.
From what has been discussed above,it is not difficult to conclude that the construction of the factory will do more advantages and I really hope the factory will perform well to a point that do little damage to the local environment while providing us more convenience.

原句：As the information that a company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near my community has been widely spread, different people show different opinions.
"As...widely spread”里出现了两次that,这句话本身就十分累赘.“information”用在这里并不是最贴切,可以考虑event,occurance或者其它解释为“事件”的单词.
考虑：Considering the event of the widely spread company's announcement on building a large factory near my community, different...opinions.
原句：They dislike the construction of the factory for they are afraid that the environmental contamination and the noise produced by the factory will affect their life.
考虑：...for they are afraid OF the environmental...
environmental contamination用的比较奇怪.这和noise不能算平行内容.（environmental contaminiation包括了noise）
再建议：...for they are afraid of the pollution and noise produced by the factory
原句: In my point of view, despite these possible negative effects that would be brought by the new factory, there are more underlying but substantial advantages.
"In my point of view”太郑重,被中国英语老师用烂了.考虑去掉,而且这句承上启下,应该放在第二段.
Substantial advantages of what? 这句有点断掉.还有用more有点武断,改用many更恰当.
建议：..., there are many underlying yet substantial advantages of this construction on factory.
原文：With the completion of the factory, the economy of the community will be elevated to a new stage.
建议：Upon the completion of the factory...
后面半句不恰当.（不晓得怎么表达,太笼统太空了）
再建议：the economical status of the community will change.
（这句话和上文有点跳跃过头啊,前面刚在说有好处,这里就做总结的感觉）
原文：What is important （?完全不通）, the prosperity of the community will bring us a better living condition.
这句话不仅空泛,而且重复了上面一句.建议去掉.
Many markets will be set near the factory and will give us more convenience certainly.
建议：Many markets will find the opportunities to spread near the factory, potentially providing the convenience to the neighbourhood.
（cetain, never, always这些词,在表达个人论点时很忌讳用的,当心）
还有,什么样的market会在factory周围?比较好奇这点的真实性.
Since the factory may provide several kinds of products （这是什么类型的工厂?）, it will become more available and cheaper for us to purchase some articles that would be sold by the company.
事实上.工厂和厂家直销是两码事.有工厂并不代表可以买便宜货.
原文：There is no doubt that the new factory will change our life.
这句话语法没错,但是又出现了武断的问题.可以用,但是前提是要合理充分的解释了advantages之后才可以用这句.（就算market和直销行得通,要多加些内容,比如什么样的market会有什么样的商机,还有要focus on COMMUNITY)
原文：In addition, the factory will solve the problem of unemployment in the community to a large extent.
非常好,但是你放错了这一段的地方.这整个一段移到There is no doubt...才更恰当.
原文：It will provide numerous jobs for the local people, no matter who have not find a proper job or who is reluctant to work far away from their home.
No matter又有Chinglish的影子了.而且病句.而且现实中,不是没有工作的人来了个工厂就有工了.
建议：It will..., and is especially beneficial for those who are not employeed and actively seeking for job vacancies. Having the factory located nearby the area, it will definitely become an attractive work opportunities for folks living around.
Also, the substantial income from working in the factory brings some hope for the guys who have nothing to do and wanders in the community every day. Though this channel, it will bring our community more public security.
正式文章里不要随便用guys或者nothing to do,太随意.
建议：Additionally, the public security will be improved with the increasing rate of employement in the area.
原文：On the other hand, contaminative as the factory will be, the government can make effective rules to limit the pollutant produced by the factory.
如果你是支持advantage的话,千万不要最后来个on the other hand的自我否定.任何disadvantages一定要在文首discuss,而不是放到这里.
After all, it is unrealistic to guarantee an absolutely non-pollution environment in the industry society. What we can do is to constrain the deterioration of the environment to the minimum extent.
industry society是神马?这句话需要重新整理.
建议: non-polluting 或者zero-pollution.
What we can do...句式奇怪,而且有点存心用big words的感觉.
建议: What we can, hopefully, do is to minimize the pollution while focusing on the sustainbility of the environment.
From what has been discussed above, it is not difficult to conclude that the construction of the factory will do more advantages and I really hope the factory will perform well to a point that do little damage to the local environment while providing us more convenience.
From what has been discussed above很.废话（Chinglish）
这一段根本不需要,只要把前面的重新整理好,说明了实践可能有未知的问题,但是总体来说advantages are greater than dis.
加油考TOFEL!