雅思小作文批改这是我写的,剑桥雅思第五册,test two 中的writing rask 1肯定写得不怎么样,但我下个月

雅思小作文批改
这是我写的,剑桥雅思第五册,test two 中的writing rask 1
肯定写得不怎么样,但我下个月就要去考.希望高手们能够给点意见,哪些地方错啦,哪些地方用其它的方式表达更好啊,或者哪些词汇用其它的更准确啊之类的.辛苦了
The chart shows the main reasons for study among students of different age groups and the amount of support they received from employers.
In the first chart ,there are two reasons for study,career and interest.According to the pattern ,before 40 years old ,the proportions of study fo career of each group are more than the proportions that study for interest .However ,in group of age from 40 to 49 ,it is half and half that people are studying for career or for interest.The last group that age over 49 has much more proportion of study for interest.It is a big change.
The second chart shows employers support much more the group under 26 than any other groups in the pattern,and the reason must be that they spend more time and energy studying for career.Unfortunately,althouth the groups of 26 to 29 and 30 to 39 also have more proprotions to study for career,they dip of their proportions of employers support.From 40 to 49 age group to over 49 group ,the proportions rise a little .But ,the people whose age over 40,they do not learn for career more than younger people .Maybe it is because they got enough exprience from period time when they were working and learning.
哪些网站可以提供作文批改服务的,
要是我有那么大的词汇量或者我能那么灵活的运用单词,我当然不会去重复运用那些词汇啦.完全没学过雅思课程,也从来没有背过什么范文.不过我最近着手在背了,还有十天的样子去考,考了估计还得继续报一月的.

1、细节要注意,例如标点符号后面应该空一格而不是前面空一格,第二段第二行 fo 应为 for,第三段 althouth 拼错.再如,我没有看原图,但看你的文章,应该是两幅图,所以一开始不应该用 The chart shows ...,而要用 The charts show us ...
2、坦率地说,我觉得你的英文水平很不错,但文章写的比较呆板.不要就图说图,就事说事,而要把一幅图中的内容说活一些,就像你用一幅向听众们讲演.该简练的地方要简练（如果有字数要求,可以再写其它内容）,如最好不要反复地用proportion,interest,career 这几个词,显得很啰嗦.
非常冒昧地在你原文的基础上改一下：
These charts show us the main reasons for study among students of different age groups and the support they have received from employers.
In the first chart,among two reasons for study,career and interest,people in the group of under 40 years old study for career far more than those for interest.In the group of 40 to 49,it is half and half.However,the old people,namely,those in the last group that over 49 study mainly for interest.It is a big difference.
From the second chart we see that the group of under 26 get more support from emploers than all other groups.The reason must be that people in this group spend more time and energy studying for career.Unfortunately,although people in the groups of 26-29 and 30-39 also have more proprotions to study for career,they get less support from employers.
.
后面我看不大明白了,第二幅图不是说老板的支持吗?怎么又回来说学习目的了?我没看原图,请原谅.
以上意见不一定对,仅供参考.