托福作文求评分!有些人觉得他们可以靠自己或他人的帮助解决Important problems ,因此人们不需要政府的帮助

托福作文求评分!
有些人觉得他们可以靠自己或他人的帮助解决Important problems ,因此人们不需要政府的帮助.
Nowadays,many people have their own circle in which they think they can always find help,so they don't need the government's help at all.However,given the value of government's help,we notice a picture of difference.Most of the time,people need to resort to their government because the government does can provide some advantages for solving their important problems.
First of all,the government can bring a higher feasibility of settling a matter.In other words,because the government has a broader connection with others and a stronger power,it is possible for the government to figure out some really tough problems that a person cannot settle by his limited ability.For example,the founder of one local company -the Kang's once encountered an annoying problem solved by the local government at last.At that time,there was still a great gap between his goal and the reality,for he was lack of capital in a fair amount.After resorting to his friends and all the people he knew,he had only one hope left-asking the government for help.Immediately,the government published his needs to other provinces and acted as a medium.Finally some investments were brought in and the Kang's was born.Now,the Kang's is one of the most influential companies in China,penetrating its products throughout the market.However,if the founder just stopped planning because of the dilemma he met,there would never be such a success.
Secondly,some tough problems can only be solved by the government; some problems are too hard to settle by your own struggle.For example,if you live by a river,and the river is dirty and stinking all the day,you will go to ask the government for help.Because you know by your and your family members’ endeavor,the big problem cannot be settled.On the other hand,looking the government for help is the only choice left for you.Only the government can stop companies polluting the water.Indeed,you have to resort to government.
Admittedly,I concede that not all the problems can be solved by the government,such as some personal problems.If your friend betrays you or if you are hurt by your lover,and these problems are seem important to you,but you will not inform the government.Moreover,the government will probably not help you.In your opinion,asking your family members is the most reliable way,because they know your conditions well,so they can propose the appropriate suggestions for you.However,besides these troubles,you still need government's help in your life.
To sum up,it is rather superficial to simply say that we do not need government at all.

评分比较长,你给高分我多说点,你等下好吧,不能我写着你采纳了
再问： ...好吧... 给你多少分？
再答： 托福作文评分先看结构，你这篇文章在结构上总体还好，开头直接引入，提出问题，综述观点，两大段正面理由，最后写反面再总结，论点照应主题，全文流畅通顺，。 再说具体内容，首先说论点，这就显示了你这篇文章最致命的弱点，没有具体到针尖的论述，换句话说，论述的看似合理，充分，仔细一看却是漏洞百出，或者说简单点，论证的不充分。 第一个主体段，你讲到HIGHER FEASIBILITY， 那么什么叫可行性？，就是说政府有更高的能力做成一些事，比家人和朋友做事的能力，在一定角度来说更强。所以，建议在FEASIBILITY后进行具体解释，以方便为下面的论述做基础，因为FEA是个抽象词，只有具体到固定语义，才算具体。然后你的第二个问题就出来了，当你写了183个字之后，你的第二个理由段竟然又重新把第一个理由短的论点换了个说法，堂而皇之的又来了一遍，只不过又补了个例子the government can bring a higher feasibility of settling a matter.和some tough problems can only be solved by the government;的区别，如果硬说这两段的区别，我觉得还不如改成government resolves individual 和 resolve company。你应该把思路放宽，不要拘泥，比如这一题来说，我觉得government is more reliable than friends and family or government has great experience, so works more efficiently等等，具体理由不细说 上面是主要问题，其他方面我觉得你做的还行，不过进步空间还是蛮明显的，加油 至于分数，我斗胆打个3分，毕竟失误比较大，没关系。 鄙人愚见，还望指正。 linwoodfeng英语牛人团
再问： 逻辑确实有问题。 那你是否能帮我想几个论点，让我开开眼界？谢谢
再答： 请稍等1 In the first place, I think governments are always more reliable than friends and family. We always learn from TV that betrays take place in the most intimate friend, even family. However, these things cannot ever happen on governments cause common people is the root that governments rely on. 2 Secondly, since oceans of people get help from government, a mature institude has already formed in government, which means that it is rather convenient for everybody to get help from government, without wasting too much time on futile procedure. 3 Thirdly, relying on government is a safer idea than resorting your friends, you will never know what gonna happen in the relationship, but it is completely trustworthy for considering government. 第一和第三有些重，你可以参考一下，当然还有很多.