写了一篇托福作文,希望能得到一些意见和建议,

写了一篇托福作文,希望能得到一些意见和建议,
文章主要都是自己发挥,不太想用模板,觉得这样会有些枯燥,而且对长期的写作帮助不大.所以写得比较随意,可能问题会比较多,虚心赐教,
People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment- doing things they like to do- rather than doing things they should do.
I do not agree with the statement.
In this days and ages,the society has thrown before us a number of options for enjoyment and activities.You can go to cinema for a wonderful Star Wars night,hang out with girl friend in a beautiful beach,or just sleep until noon.In a word,people seem to have the freedom to speed their time on personal enjoyment and doing things they like,however,is the thing really fabulous as it seems to be?
Unfortunately,we are rarely seeing people to throw everything they need to do behind,and spend plenty time on enjoyment.Instead,individuals are always busy on what they should to do rather than what they like to do.Asked why people behave this way,the response in society has a boilerplate answer:the greatest factor comes from an ocean of responsibilities of the highly competitive society.Literally speaking,individuals act various roles in their life,ranging from parents of a family to a manager of a company.There are endless affairs waiting them to handle,manifestly,the work and family leave very limited time for them to enjoy their life.They may prefer to enjoy their life,yet,the diverse responsibilities would not allow them to spend plenty of time on it,instead,impelling them allocate much more time on what they should to do.
Furthermore,not only does adults was pushed to spend primary concentration on their obligations,but also children cannot be the exception.For example,nowadays,a large portion of primary students has attended various classes,such as piano,foreigner language and so on and so forth.They hardly have time to spend with their friends because their parents’ restrictions.When they grow up,it is reasonable to imagine that they will be costumed to control their desires,acting as their parents.
In conclusion,it is really difficult to judge whether people should pay their mainly attention to their job and families,which generally is considered as the things should do.Given the dilemma to people,why not we just try to transform “should” to “like”.It will definitely be the optimum choice.Hence,enjoying our time with family and being enthusiastic to the job might be the best conclusion for this discussion.

首先你这个想法很好,但是基于现在的水平,你可以学习一些小模板,比如开头段怎么写啊（你这个开头段不行）,转折怎么下啊之类的,积累了一定量的知识,才能真正自由写作.
People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment- doing things they like to do- rather than doing things they should do.
I do not agree with the statement.（开门见山很好,但你写的太突兀,之前应该写一些背景铺垫之类的东西）
In this days and ages,（用this?看看单复数）the society has thrown before us a number of options for enjoyment（一个是快乐,一个是具体的活动,平行不好,改成entertainment吧） and activities.You can go to（少个冠词）cinema for a wonderful Star Wars night,hang out with girl friend in a beautiful beach,or just sleep until noon.In a word,people seem to have the freedom to speed their time on personal enjoyment and doing things they like,however,is the thing really fabulous as it seems to be?
Unfortunately,we are rarely seeing people to throw everything they need to do behind,and spend plenty time on enjoyment.Instead,individuals are always busy on what they should to do rather than what they like to do.Asked why people behave this way,the response（前面用了asked,后面主语是society,很明显社会不能问问题,所以错） in society has a boilerplate answer:the greatest factor comes from an ocean of responsibilities of (改成innate to吧,不是社会的责任,是社会内部产生的责任)the highly competitive society.Literally speaking,individuals act（用play就行了） various roles in their life,（这个ranging指向的是individuals,不是你想说的roles,改成individuals in their life play various roles(注意没有逗号) ranging fromg...）ranging from parents of a family to a manager of a company.There are endless affairs waiting them to handle,（少连词）manifestly,the work and family leave very limited time for them to enjoy their life.They may prefer to enjoy their life,yet,the diverse responsibilities would not allow them to spend plenty of time on it（你往前看看it指代哪个名词?
）,instead,（not.but...更好）impelling them allocate much more time on what they should to do.
Furthermore,not only does（does,was怎么会出现连续的两个动词呢?） adults was pushed to spend primary concentration on their obligations,but also children cannot be the exception.For example,nowadays,a large portion of primary students has attended various classes,such as piano,foreign language and so on and so forth（不用写and ,直接so on so forth）.They hardly have time to spend with their friends because their parents’ restrictions.When they grow up,it is reasonable to imagine that they will be costumed to control their desires,acting as their parents.(acting,这个动作无法指到学生,只能追溯到it,而it 是从句先行词,实际上指后面那句话,所以就变成了他们.这句话acting as .(另,as 作“像”的意思是必须跟句子,所以as不对,应该用like))
In conclusion,it is really difficult to judge whether people should pay their mainly (副词修饰名词错,用main)attention to their job(s) and families,which generally is(are) considered as the things should (be done)do.Given the dilemma to people,(前置词given,后面主语是why.后面主语用we)why not we just try to transform “should” to “like”.It (任何代词不能指代一句话,你看看这个it指代前面哪个名词?)will definitely be the optimum choice.Hence,enjoying our time with family and being enthusiastic to the job might be the best conclusion for this discussion.
看完之后,可以说我发现你基本功真的不好,尤其是语法.好好练练,加油吧.
再问： 谢谢你这么详细的建议,一看,从句和代词真是很混乱呢. 我会努力去练习和注意的 那在立意,或者整体风格的方面,能给我一些建议吗 ^_^