哪位好心人可以帮我修改下我的personal statement,急申请英国大学,但自己英文水平不好,

哪位好心人可以帮我修改下我的personal statement,急申请英国大学,但自己英文水平不好,
关于management 和 Finance 申请大学 的 personal statement.
下面是自己写的,可是文章内容不够吸引人,文采不好,希望哪位可以帮我修改下,急用.
The reason why I study business is I think it is quite important and useful.The role of business is to make the world a better place for everyone - creating wealth and well-being,prosperity,jobs and choices.I believe if I can do well in business,I can achieve all my dreams,I like mathematics because it is challenging and it improves my mental flexibility and enhances my logical thinking.Maths is also very important for every day life.In high school I was in the top ten students.I think of studying as a game because we have to make a choice whether we want to win or lose.If we want to win we much put in the required effort.
I would like to study in England,because the reputation of the British education system is recognized worldwide.At the same time the United Kingdom has modern facilities,uses flexible and varied teaching methods emphasizing active participation and independent thinking.This will enable me to get a better education.In addition I can use the opportunity to meet people from different cultures and learn about their countries and backgrounds.
I am studying Economic,Accounting and QM on the University Foundation Programme at David Game College because in the future I will follow my father's way to manage and get the useful experience.On the other hand,I think business can help me solve problems on my sucussful way.
When I finish my course,I want to work in England for one or two years,and then go back China.I will help my father who works in international trade and medical technology.I have spent some time with him on work experience and this has shown me how to run and manage a company and how to solve the problems.
In my free time,I like to play badminton with my friends once a week so that I can relax and exercise.But I also enjoy reading and listening to music at home.Anohther improtant thing in my mind is to write a diary.For myself,I would like to write my own secrets.Keep these things in my mind can make me feel comfortable.In the future I would like to travel to see different countries and I would also like to get to know more friends from different countries because to be a successful in business it is important to understand different cultures.
I know that in order to realize my dream to successful businessman I have to study hard and I am confident that I will be motivated to work hard to achieve success on my chosen course.

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比较明显的语法错误已经用红色注释.
不是很明显的已经修改.
在此提几点建议：
1.一个句子中最好不要表达多种意思.
2.注意语法.
3.表达不要太中式了,外国人看不懂.
以上是我小小的建议.
希望能够帮到你.