求翻译这段对白!Matthew: Without you, I'm as lonely as an abandoned

求翻译这段对白!
Matthew: Without you, I'm as lonely as an abandoned dog on the side of a highway.
I have gift anxiety, even through I don't know when your birthday is.
We can spend perfect days shopping and cleaning together.
I swear, I'll never make wisecracks when you scrape your tires against the curb while parallel parking.
If you consent to live with me, I'll clean the toilet every week. I'll do it with my tongue if you ask.
I will strike the words "hooters" and "love rockets" from my vocabulary.
I'll love you. Even if your name is Mimi and you want me to pronounce it "May May".
I will only pass gas underneath the covers and under the direst of circumstances.
Hell, I'll go on a low cholesterol diet. And I won't buy one of those red sports cars when I hit my mid-life crisis.
Your parents can come visit us every week, even if your mom is a witch with a capital B. And your folks don't have to go to a retirement home because they can come live with us.
I declare, I'll separate the whites from the colors and learn the mysteries of hot and cold water washes.
I'll never huff and puff while waiting for you to put on my makeup.
If you're a cat person, I'll never point out the fact that a dog can save your life from drowning, but a cat can't.
I will happily go see chick flicks with you, like "Pride and Prejudice".
I'll make a point to trying new food like okra gumbo.
I won't curl my nose at vegetables whose awful taste is disguised by having cheese on it.
I pledge to always say "yes" when you ask, "Is my hair looking okay tonight?"
I'm gonna bring a whole new meaning to the word "cuddle".
I'll be thoughtful enough to read your horoscope every day.
I'm gonna save every birthday card you send me!
And I'll actually write you real letters when we're apart.
I'm never gonna expect you to know where I left my car keys, and I'll never leave my socks on the floor.
With me, you'll find the cap is always on the toothpaste. I'll start wearing those bikini style underwear if you like.
My belly button will always be lint free.
I want to full-on kiss your clitoris. It will be the most passionate, intimate experience you've ever had.
I declare now, I will give my life for you. And if you fail to come to me, I know some part of me will surely die.
好的加50分!

电影
没有你,我就像只被抛弃的狗,在高速公路的旁边,我真的很紧张,尽管我不知道你的生日是什么时候,我们可以一起去买东西跟煮东西.我发誓,我没有油嘴滑舌,当你在停车时刮破了轮胎.如果你一直爱着我,我会每周洗厕所.我会爱你,就算你的名字是mimi又或者你要我把名字叫成“美美”,我会在没人或者,最糟糕的环境中放屁,我不会买一辆红色运动跑车.当我中年危机时,你的父母可以每周来看你,就算你的妈妈是个大巫婆,可以不去住退休房,因为她可以跟我们住,我发誓,我会从众多色彩中分出白色,我会学习冷跟热水洗的秘密,在你化妆的时候我会静心的等,不会催促你,如果你是软弱的,我永远不会说一只狗可以从水中救你出来,而猫不行,我会很高兴小鸡让你发疯,就像“傲慢与偏见”那样.如果你煮东西我什么都吃,我不会对着难吃的才皱起眉头,我永远都会说“是的”,但你问“我今晚的发型好看吗?”时,我要对拥抱从新下个新的定义,我会每天仔细的阅读你的星座资料,我会保存你送给我的每张生日卡,当我们分开时我会给你写信,我永远不会把脏袜子拉在地板上,跟我在一起,你会发现牙膏永远都盖着.我现在宣布,为了你我会牺牲一切,如果你不能跟我一起,我只感到我身体的某部分好象死掉了