作业帮帮忙批改一下雅思大作文~~~~~~~
来源：学生作业帮 编辑：拍题作业网作业帮 分类：综合作业 时间：2024/04/25 01:08:56
帮忙批改一下雅思大作文~~~~~~~
麻烦哪位帮我批改一下雅思大作文,我基础比较差,肯定有很多错误,请解释的稍微详细一点,告诉我属于哪方面的错误.非常感谢!
Dose modern technology make life more convenient, or was life better when technology was simpler ?
What is your opinion?
Whether modern technology has really brought a lot of conveniences to our lives? Some people think that modern technology has made their working and living more easy and fast. But other people may actually answer to the contrary, that it is precisely the products of modern technology has made their lives more complicated and difficult. Personally I think the former is more convincing.
The obvious advantages of modern-day technologies are many. Firstly, unsurprisingly, the developed transportation network can quickly take you to any place you wish. For example, if you is planning a trip, there are so many kinds of vehicle for your choice, even it is spaceplane. Besides, a lot of great modern inventions has brought people much closer, such as the Internet, mobile phones, televisions and so on. For instance, if you want to talk with your family or some friends at all times and all places, you just buy a mobile phone. We are inundated with a great variety of high-tech product in this modern world.
On the other hand, Some people worried that modern technology are changing people’s life style. People will growing reliance on modern machines. A lot of general knowledge and skills of people are fading. Even some people state that we will soon be the slaves and machines will be masters.
Whatever, it cannot be denied that advance in science and technology has made a lot of previously unimaginable things possible. Moreover, modern scientific inventions has greatly improved the people’s quality of life. As for negative effects of modern technology, we should attach importance to this respect.
麻烦哪位帮我批改一下雅思大作文,我基础比较差,肯定有很多错误,请解释的稍微详细一点,告诉我属于哪方面的错误.非常感谢!
Dose modern technology make life more convenient, or was life better when technology was simpler ?
What is your opinion?
Whether modern technology has really brought a lot of conveniences to our lives? Some people think that modern technology has made their working and living more easy and fast. But other people may actually answer to the contrary, that it is precisely the products of modern technology has made their lives more complicated and difficult. Personally I think the former is more convincing.
The obvious advantages of modern-day technologies are many. Firstly, unsurprisingly, the developed transportation network can quickly take you to any place you wish. For example, if you is planning a trip, there are so many kinds of vehicle for your choice, even it is spaceplane. Besides, a lot of great modern inventions has brought people much closer, such as the Internet, mobile phones, televisions and so on. For instance, if you want to talk with your family or some friends at all times and all places, you just buy a mobile phone. We are inundated with a great variety of high-tech product in this modern world.
On the other hand, Some people worried that modern technology are changing people’s life style. People will growing reliance on modern machines. A lot of general knowledge and skills of people are fading. Even some people state that we will soon be the slaves and machines will be masters.
Whatever, it cannot be denied that advance in science and technology has made a lot of previously unimaginable things possible. Moreover, modern scientific inventions has greatly improved the people’s quality of life. As for negative effects of modern technology, we should attach importance to this respect.
此篇作文的topic是谈论现代科学技术对生活的影响,并要求给出自己的观点.
一.
1.第一段,呼应题目,按正反两方面论证,并在最后给出自己的观点,很好!
通篇的思路也不错,虽然不新颖,但是稳就是高分的基础!
文章抛开语法错误(明显的会在最后指明)之外,最大的不足就是对于分论点的阐述,分析和举例的非常泛泛,像蜻蜓点水一样,只触及皮毛而不深入,没有切中要害.
2.论点--分论点的关系,最好逻辑清晰明确,而且谈论的主题最好是社会常见的现象.在你的第二段里,有2个分论点,第1点是运输系统,可选择的交通工具多种多样,给人们出行带来便利; --这里分论点是transportation network,而举例却是many kinds of vehicle,交通网络和交通工具虽然有关联,但是含义还是有不小的分歧.而且transportation network这个词,英文的用法里是没有的,这里算是一个中式英语的运用..是大忌!去掉network就好,transportation 一词已经足够表达运输体系的含义了,而且跟下面的vehicle关系更近,更理解的通顺.
第2点,现代发明使地域相隔的人们,交流却变得方便,拉近人们的距离.--这里最好不要用手机来距离,用网络更贴切!因为网络能提供除了语音外更多的服务!
另外,这里的句法你用的是:因为if you want to...and then you buy a phone,这样的表达在中文里也是有问题的,我们表达起来要更通顺,更符合英语的习惯:you just buy a phone and then you can...也更能体现现代科技的作用!否则你想要跟XX联系,你完全可以不去买手机,写信也可以的啊.
这种语言表述的问题,需要平日里多注意,多阅读纯种的英文文章,细心体会老外的表达方式,一定不要把中文强行翻译过来,阅卷人都是鬼子,他们会费解的.
3.第三段,阐述反面的因素.这里的论点和论据,我提点建议给你,现代化工具的作用依靠的是能源的消耗,在谈反面因素的时候,最好结合能源,结合全球的状况来说,(除了电,类似的还有污染,人的妄意破坏,导致的结果一般都归到global warming里去),这样,你的理解和态度一下会提升到更高的一个层次中去,会更有亲和力.
当然,你这里谈到的也很好,高科技导致人们需要不停的追逐知识的疯长,需要不停的提高,无法得到稳定的生活,等等,继续发扬,不过也要多关心这方面的表述和举例形式.
平时多去读读好的习作,主要看范文给出的分论点及其对论点的举例说明!
结束部分,对自己的观点进一步的表明.对正面因素,做的不错.
对反面因素,这里最好给出或者建议人们一种方式方法,避免你在第三段提出的反面原因的发生,比如说要减少能源消耗,省电省水等等,这样做能更好的节省能源,为现代科技的发展更好的服务...
--这样做又能使你的文章再增色一分!
要点就是--对反面因素,以你个人的观点,提倡一种合理合适的方法或者注意事项!大体意思要提到,至于你提出的观念的对错嘛,毕竟是你个人的观点,考官不会追究的,嘿嘿!要的只是你关注全球的意识!
好了,大体说这么多吧,记得练习作文,在要求得分小于等于7分的情况下,多学习他人的论点和举例内容,足以!
二.对部分语法的指正:
1.The obvious advantages of modern-day technologies are many.
--明显的头重脚轻式!这种情况用什么句型?用There be啊!
There are many advantages for using modern-day technologies.
2.For example,if you is planning a trip,there are so many kinds of vehicle for your choice,even it is spaceplane.
--you are,I am,he/she is,这种低级错误一定不能犯!
--even spaceplane,使句子读起来更通顺,在保持语句流畅时,能不用it is,that等连接词的时候就不要用.
3.For instance,if you want to talk with your family or some friends at all times and all places,
-- all times and all places 任何时间任何地点吧?不要这样表达喔,会被扣分的!具体表述我不大清楚了,自己搜索下吧,或者留心别人是怎样处理的.
4.We are inundated with a great variety of high-tech product in this modern world.
--inundated with,是想表达什么?淹没在科技的海洋?还不如用surround by来的清楚明确呢(虽然这也不是好的表述,但是起码能让老外清楚的理解你的意思!),一定要注意,去除中式的表达!中文的一个意思,不一定就非得对应英文的一个单词,要换个角度想想,能表达清楚足以,不要胡乱用生僻词,鬼子也不是所有英文词都认得的!
5.A lot of general knowledge and skills of people are fading.
--同样的头重脚轻,这样的句子只能出现在脑海的构想中,想到的同时就要将语序转变过来,people are fading a lot of...
6.Even some people state that,
--state是个很正式的词语,用于发表一些正规的规章制度等,普通民众就不要说了...注意记住一些常用表示"表达,发表,阐述,说明"等的英文单词.
7.Whatever,--最后一段开头
--这个词语一定不要在作文中出现!这是口语词汇,而且带有一种玩世不恭,无所谓的态度,可不是应该出现在笔头作文中的哟.
一.
1.第一段,呼应题目,按正反两方面论证,并在最后给出自己的观点,很好!
通篇的思路也不错,虽然不新颖,但是稳就是高分的基础!
文章抛开语法错误(明显的会在最后指明)之外,最大的不足就是对于分论点的阐述,分析和举例的非常泛泛,像蜻蜓点水一样,只触及皮毛而不深入,没有切中要害.
2.论点--分论点的关系,最好逻辑清晰明确,而且谈论的主题最好是社会常见的现象.在你的第二段里,有2个分论点,第1点是运输系统,可选择的交通工具多种多样,给人们出行带来便利; --这里分论点是transportation network,而举例却是many kinds of vehicle,交通网络和交通工具虽然有关联,但是含义还是有不小的分歧.而且transportation network这个词,英文的用法里是没有的,这里算是一个中式英语的运用..是大忌!去掉network就好,transportation 一词已经足够表达运输体系的含义了,而且跟下面的vehicle关系更近,更理解的通顺.
第2点,现代发明使地域相隔的人们,交流却变得方便,拉近人们的距离.--这里最好不要用手机来距离,用网络更贴切!因为网络能提供除了语音外更多的服务!
另外,这里的句法你用的是:因为if you want to...and then you buy a phone,这样的表达在中文里也是有问题的,我们表达起来要更通顺,更符合英语的习惯:you just buy a phone and then you can...也更能体现现代科技的作用!否则你想要跟XX联系,你完全可以不去买手机,写信也可以的啊.
这种语言表述的问题,需要平日里多注意,多阅读纯种的英文文章,细心体会老外的表达方式,一定不要把中文强行翻译过来,阅卷人都是鬼子,他们会费解的.
3.第三段,阐述反面的因素.这里的论点和论据,我提点建议给你,现代化工具的作用依靠的是能源的消耗,在谈反面因素的时候,最好结合能源,结合全球的状况来说,(除了电,类似的还有污染,人的妄意破坏,导致的结果一般都归到global warming里去),这样,你的理解和态度一下会提升到更高的一个层次中去,会更有亲和力.
当然,你这里谈到的也很好,高科技导致人们需要不停的追逐知识的疯长,需要不停的提高,无法得到稳定的生活,等等,继续发扬,不过也要多关心这方面的表述和举例形式.
平时多去读读好的习作,主要看范文给出的分论点及其对论点的举例说明!
结束部分,对自己的观点进一步的表明.对正面因素,做的不错.
对反面因素,这里最好给出或者建议人们一种方式方法,避免你在第三段提出的反面原因的发生,比如说要减少能源消耗,省电省水等等,这样做能更好的节省能源,为现代科技的发展更好的服务...
--这样做又能使你的文章再增色一分!
要点就是--对反面因素,以你个人的观点,提倡一种合理合适的方法或者注意事项!大体意思要提到,至于你提出的观念的对错嘛,毕竟是你个人的观点,考官不会追究的,嘿嘿!要的只是你关注全球的意识!
好了,大体说这么多吧,记得练习作文,在要求得分小于等于7分的情况下,多学习他人的论点和举例内容,足以!
二.对部分语法的指正:
1.The obvious advantages of modern-day technologies are many.
--明显的头重脚轻式!这种情况用什么句型?用There be啊!
There are many advantages for using modern-day technologies.
2.For example,if you is planning a trip,there are so many kinds of vehicle for your choice,even it is spaceplane.
--you are,I am,he/she is,这种低级错误一定不能犯!
--even spaceplane,使句子读起来更通顺,在保持语句流畅时,能不用it is,that等连接词的时候就不要用.
3.For instance,if you want to talk with your family or some friends at all times and all places,
-- all times and all places 任何时间任何地点吧?不要这样表达喔,会被扣分的!具体表述我不大清楚了,自己搜索下吧,或者留心别人是怎样处理的.
4.We are inundated with a great variety of high-tech product in this modern world.
--inundated with,是想表达什么?淹没在科技的海洋?还不如用surround by来的清楚明确呢(虽然这也不是好的表述,但是起码能让老外清楚的理解你的意思!),一定要注意,去除中式的表达!中文的一个意思,不一定就非得对应英文的一个单词,要换个角度想想,能表达清楚足以,不要胡乱用生僻词,鬼子也不是所有英文词都认得的!
5.A lot of general knowledge and skills of people are fading.
--同样的头重脚轻,这样的句子只能出现在脑海的构想中,想到的同时就要将语序转变过来,people are fading a lot of...
6.Even some people state that,
--state是个很正式的词语,用于发表一些正规的规章制度等,普通民众就不要说了...注意记住一些常用表示"表达,发表,阐述,说明"等的英文单词.
7.Whatever,--最后一段开头
--这个词语一定不要在作文中出现!这是口语词汇,而且带有一种玩世不恭,无所谓的态度,可不是应该出现在笔头作文中的哟.