雅思评分As for elderly ,living in caring house is better than li

雅思评分
As for elderly ,living in caring house is better than living at home with young children.Present your argument to illustrate whether you agree or disagree.
In contemporary civilization,it is extensively accepted that the issue of taking care of elderly is playing increasingly significant role in our daily life.Yet,in the meantime,whether elderly living in caring house or living with their young children should be given preferential option has aroused a great deal controversy.So simplistic was some individuals' view that elderly should live alone in the car house,while such was my prospective that elderly should live together with their children.
The first point with respect to this is that,practically,every elderly requires assistance from children in terms of physical aspect.It is with our help that they can keep healthy diet ; it is with such aspect that they can do some daily exercise without getting hurt; it is our help that could make their lives easier,as well.More over,not only could elderly get physical aid,but also they could acquire mental care by staying with their young children.For one thing,their sorrowful and negative feeling could be shared with children.For another thing,it is also an effective way for elderly who feel lonely to alleviate the sense of isolation.Consequently,living with children could help elderly keep healthy,physically and mentally.
It is true that living solitarily in caring house offering elderly freedom and private space.Obviously,this is reasonable,to such lengths,that they could arrange their time themselves and enjoy the quiet and peaceful lifestyle.Despite all that,this option in which risks or dangers does exist is,that had elderly not living with children,they would not received help immediately,especially under some special circumstance.
By and large,I would concede that there is really some advantages in living in caring house.Still,i am conceived that only staying with their young children could elderly obtain happier and healthier life as convenient as possible.And we children should working hard to create better condition for parents.

As for elderly , living in caring house is better than living at home with young children. Present your argument to illustrate whether you agree or disagree.
In contemporary civilization/这里用society和文意,不要乱用大词,词用的合理准确也是写作能力的一个体现 , it is extensively//搭配不当,generally/commonly/widely accepted that //the issue// of taking care of elderly is playing//搭配不妥 increasingly significant role in our daily life. Yet, in the meantime, //whether elderly living in caring house or living with their young children should be given preferential option has aroused a great deal//还是搭配 considerable controversy.//自己分析下这个句子的主谓宾,看有没有问题 So simplistic was some individuals' view that elderly should live alone in the car house, while such was my prospective//perspective that elderly should live together with their children.
The first point with respect to this is that, practically, every elderly requires assistance from children in terms of physical aspect//这个句子写得特别别扭,简单的搞复杂了. It is with our help that they can keep //a healthy diet ; it is with such aspect//重复 用词不妥 that they can do some daily exercise without getting hurt; it is our help that could/删 make/s their lives easier,as well. Moreover, not only could elderly get physical aid,but also they could acquire mental care//spiritual comfort by staying with their young children. For one thing, their sorrowful and negative feeling could be shared with children.//their children may soothe their negative feelings For another thing, it is also an effective way for elderly who feel lonely to alleviate the sense of isolation. Consequently,living with children could help elderly keep healthy, physically and mentally/和前面一致,最好用spiritually,而且mentally较美式,建议雅思作文用英式英语,包括拼写和用词,因为改卷的多是操英式的.
It is true that /living solitarily/删,多余 in caring house/ solitary是完全一个人住的意思,有隐居的意思,在养老院里住能说是solitary么?offering/offers elderly freedom and private space. Obviously/其实这个词是很口语化的,建议改为evidently, this is reasonable, //to such lengths//删,没这用法,that they could arrange their time themselves and enjoy the/删 //quiet and peaceful//搭配不对 lifestyle. Despite all that,this option in which risks or dangers does/单复数一致 do exist is, that had elderly not living //时态问题?with children, they would not received//原型 help immediately, especially under some special circumstance/s.
By and large/美式,overall/in general,I would concede that there is/are really some advantages //for elderly to live// in living/删 in caring house. Still,i/I am/删 conceived//conceive that only staying with their young children could elderly obtain happier and healthier life //as convenient as possible//删,多余. And we children should working/work hard to create/provide better /living condition/s for /our parents.
大概在5分左右,主要是有点过犹不及的感觉,主要还是用词搭配的问题,最好再多看些好的范文或者其他原版文章,有些积累后再下笔,不然还是拼凑成文,漏洞百出. 给不懂行的看好像很多大词复杂句型,但如果给老外看看,恐怕有贻笑大方之嫌.多看和仿写句子,是现在的主攻方向.